Irreverent Rants

2012-07-02

by Darknut

How To Repel Job Applicants

(at least the smart ones)

Hey! Do you want to be part of the next big hype-word that's going to change the face of The Cloud? Do you eat, breath, snort, shit, and dream about code even when you're not at work? Are you down with OOP? (Ha ha, we so funny!) We're looking for a "high-bandwidth" "code monkey" "rockstar" to take our "bleeding-edge" "buzzwords" to the "next level"! It almost sounds like we can relate to you, doesn't it?

GeneriCo, despite the stupid name, is an exciting, fast-paced leader in talking up a bunch of hot air. We've won several awards you've never heard of, and we're best friends with some guy who knows somebody important at Microsoft or something. We offer the same basic benefits (or "bennies") as every other company, but at least that means you'll probably get paid. We don't make you wear a tie in our office, and that's what makes it a fun place to work, somehow. And we have an awesome espresso machine that you'll get to use. Awesome! Come on, our company is awesome, and there's something wrong with you if you're not excited about it.

Required Skills:

• A journey-level aptitude for soft-coded, multi-tasking, mid-level solutions to complex problems. Ability to look at the bigger solution goals. Does that shit even mean anything?
• Access or SharePoint or some other dead-end technology that might stumble your career if you take this job.
• Drupal or Crystal Reports or some other piddly shit that normally only the interns should ever have to touch.
• Visual Studio, 'cause that's a skill worth mentioning.
• C# "or" Apache. Because at least one bullet point should contain two unrelated things as if they're interchangeable.
• Oh yeah, and it'd be great if you also know Flash. Or marketing! 'Cause why get someone dedicated to programming when we could get that and fill another role at the same time!
• You must have kick-ass interpersonal communication skills even though this ad might not contain a single complete sentence.
• We like to talk about something called "agile" development, but we don't really know what it means. Ha ha!

Why does every single fucking job ad have to contain some of this bullshit? How am I not supposed to think the same bullshit is included in the job itself? Did you want to hire someone smart & productive, or are you just trying to weed them out?

Look. I'm an expert at what I do. Your pseudo-corporate baby-talk doesn't even make me smirk as I imagine your money swirling down the drain. If you don't know anything about computers, you shouldn't try to fake it, especially when you're explicitly trying to attract the people who do. Just let your "IT" department handle this. Really, it's best if you don't have anything to do with the hiring process altogether. Or maybe the entire company. On the other hand, it's convenient that you sent out this clear message that you're an idiot. 'Cause I sure as fuck don't want to work for you.

Even if you managed to tone it down enough to indicate maybe the company isn't doomed from the inside, and even if you gave yourself a 12 on the Joel test, then please, please at least be working on a product that isn't the most boring thing in the world and/or just plain stupid.

As my friend pointed out, programmers are always called "rockstars" and network admins are always called "gurus" for some reason. Don't cross the streams!

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