The Usual Spiel
2011-09-11
by Darknut
Happy National Terrorists Day!
Celebrate the 10th anniversary by taking a relaxing vacation!This is pretty much what happened to me a few days ago.
For some reason some airports have both a metal detector and one of those new porno-scanners. You know, the kind that produces a B/W image showing what you look like without clothes, then emails it directly to Janet Napolitano. I'm sorry, but I know too well the reality of how software is constructed to believe it does anything less than that, regardless of what the operators think it does. Anyway, they arbitrarily direct each person to one machine or the other.
When they asked me to go in the porno-scanner, I said, "I'm not going in there." Never mind the reason, that it's universally insulting to all people everywhere.
So the guy says, "we've got an opt-out!" He said this semi-loudly, as if I was supposed to be scared, except that after thousands of performances, the only feeling conveyed to my ears was one of boredom. Then, after determining who was going to stripsearch me, he says in my general direction, "wait there; he's going to go get some gloves!" Oh no, don't read your script at me!
My stripsearch partner was some old guy in his 50s who was less than excited about his job. In other words, he didn't seem to be especially sadistic. He kept trying to reassure me that he'd only be using the backs of his hands (does that really make any difference?), except that he'd have to put his fingers in my waistband and go "all the way" up my legs. If he's not gay, then this sounds pretty humiliating, at least for one of us. If he is gay, then well, when else are the gays going to get a piece of my ass? "Go for it!" I said. He asked me if I wanted privacy, presumably in the little booth they had set up there. "Nope!" You're going to do this out in front of everyone.
I couldn't help but giggle in the direction of the other TSA agents, but apparently the spectacle of one man kneeling down and touching another's balls in public was no longer novel for them since they'd seen it thousands of times already.
When he was finished, I said, "I'm sorry you had to do that." Meaning: I'm sorry your job sucks this bad.
"It's all part of the job," he says. Meaning: Why am I still working here?
This is hardly conclusive, but during my brief time at the security checkpoint, I noticed they had more females than not go through the porno-scanner. I decided that the reason they only ask half the people to go through the porno-scanner is just to reduce the number of balls they have to touch. You know, on average.
Meanwhile, I had forgotten to remove the Swiss Army knife from my keychain, which passed in plain view through the X-ray machine without remark. (This isn't the first time, either.) A job well done, TSA.
Then I'm about to board the plane, handing my ticket to a woman at the gate, when she says automatically, "how are you doing today?"
"Okay... except some dude just touched my balls."
