Hollywood Presents
2009-09-20
by Darknut
Modern Girls
1986
Warning: This column expresses unnaturally strong opinions about a really dumb 80s B-movie. Also: spoilers!
I saw this movie on late night TV circa 1997, give or take. I really liked it because it exemplified a certain fun, carefree alternate reality that could only have been conceived and accepted during the 80s, in which it was cool to have poofy hair, dress like Punky Brewster, wear sunglasses at night, and obsess over MTV. Now, of course, it qualifies as extremely cheesy, and it's hard to believe people were ever like this, but for some of us this only adds to the appeal. For instance, the hairstyles in this movie serve as a humorous example of the times, ranging from the feathered "Chad" look to what could be termed "a goth Sonic the Hedgehog". It's all set to a great 1986 soundtrack, including Depeche Mode, though some may argue that the soundtrack is better than the movie itself.
Although this movie might be terrible in terms of plot & script, it recaptures all those exaggerated trends, cheese included unashamedly, better than more renowned 80s movies, such as Weird Science or those starring John Cusack, for example. I think it might also mean more to me because I'm from L.A., just like how Ferris Bueller means more to people from Chicago.
I saw the movie for the second time last night on VHS, but I am disturbed by the differences between this version and the one I remember.
Before we continue, I should straighten out who's who: The eponymous girls are played by Virginia Madsen (from Dune, etc.), Daphne Zuniga (of Spaceballs), and Cynthia Gibb (from Fame). The male protagonist is the relatively mundane "nice guy" Cliffy, played by Clayton Rohner (who?). Of course there are also minor characters, such as Club DJ, Creepy Stalker, Goth Nihilist #4, etc.
As I remember the movie the first time I saw it, Cliffy arrives at the girls' apartment to take Virginia Madsen out on a date, and after she stiffs him, she's never heard from again. Daphne Zuniga apologizes to him, but she also has little part in the rest of the movie. Instead, he casually hangs out with the least classy but cutest of the three girls, Cynthia Gibb, as she obsessively tries to meet the British rock star "Bruno X" while he's in L.A. for that one evening after fawning over his video on MTV. By the way, "Bruno X" seems to be an amusing parody of Billy Idol crossed with Johnny Depp. Wacky misadventures ensue as Cliffy helps her get into clubs in order to meet the rock star by somehow being able to impersonate him. This is increasingly campy as it becomes obvious that Cliffy and "Bruno X" are played by the same actor. At the end of the movie, she finally catches up with him just as he's getting on his private jet, and in a dreamlike moment, "Bruno X" is replaced by Cliffy, who's been helping her all night, as if she suddenly realized that he's the one she's really been falling in love with the whole time. Cheesy as hell, but at the same time, "awwwwww."
So I thought it was misleading that the text on the VHS cover describes the movie as if it was about the trials & tribulations of three girls living in the modern 1980s. I mean I'm pretty sure that this movie does nothing to liberate women beyond letting them dress up as Madonna in public, although our collective perception of social roles has shifted over time just as much as our sense of what makes a good hairstyle, so it's equally hard to go back and remember what we might have been thinking made a girl "modern". Maybe dressing up like Madonna and being promiscuous was far more significant at the time than I can remember, though now it only seems extremely superficial, just like how every other form of expression through a radical style that was novel at the time ends up being only cheesy today.
I also remarked with confidence that the text on the cover was funny because Daphne Zuniga was only in this movie for about 5 minutes. But apparently I am wrong.
Overall, the VHS version of the movie is a lot slower-paced than what I remember. The movie I remember was a lot more sporadic and edited a bit like a music video throughout the whole thing. But in the VHS version there's a lot more exposition, as if the plot mattered. Second, Cliffy ends up hanging out with all three girls during the night. That's funny; I could've sworn the other two ditched him, and he hung out with only Cynthia Gibb. At the very least, I was positive that Virginia Madsen was never seen again after the beginning. But the gang spends an awful lot of effort to save her from getting raped twice. How broken could my memory be? Third, in the VHS version, Cynthia Gibb meets "Bruno X" very early on in the movie and actually makes out with him before they get split up and she starts running around town trying to meet him again. That seems like too much, too soon. Well, even though I wasn't happy about it, I was willing to accept all of these differences as side-effects of my overactive imagination up until the end of the movie, which I'm absolutely certain is different, because "Bruno X" does not suddenly transform into the humble Cliffy before her eyes. It's actually a really lame ending where her only realization is that she probably shouldn't just hop on a plane with some rock star and leave her life behind, so instead she says bye and oh yeah please call me if you ever come back. Sooo lame, and nowhere near as sweet as what I saw the first time. The version I remember ended up being a goofy sort of love story, whereas the girls in the VHS version come across as more slutty with the guy just along for the ride. He's not the target of affection in any way, and there's consequently no rationale for why one actor is playing the two characters. There's almost a sense of connection between Cliffy and Daphne Zuniga, but it doesn't go anywhere.
So here's my posited explanation: In the VHS version there are several demonstrations of flagrant, unapologetic drug use. Nancy Reagan did not endorse this movie. I don't think these scenes would have been shown on TV back then, so they would've had to be edited out. Incidentally, Virginia Madsen is involved in most of these scenes, and in my opinion her role in the movie is already pretty weak even without the parts where she's wasted the whole time, so if they had to edit out the drugs, it would make sense to edit out most of her remaining appearances as well. From this point I think it's pretty easy to imagine that, faced with these drastic changes, somebody (the director?) might have decided to go further and rearrange other parts of the movie. With the pointless conversations removed the movie is more fun to watch, and the surreal ending brings closure to what was otherwise a haphazard, meaningless night on the town.
If anyone knows the accuracy of my hypothesis or how I could view another version of this movie, do speak up.
The moral of this story is that it's not impossible after all for a heavily censored cut made for TV to actually be better than the original version of a movie. Who knew?
